April Fool's Day Letter: Petticoat Junction Remake to be Filmed on the Bulb

By Paul Kamen

CBS Films announced today that key scenes for the long-awaited theatrical remake of Petticoat Junction will be filmed on the Albany Bulb.

The original television series ran from 1963 to 1970, and featured a rural hotel named the Shady Rest, a steam train named the Cannonball, and three beautiful daughters named Billy Jo, Bobbie Jo and Betty Jo.

The opening credits featured the three daughters peering over the edge of the railroad's water tank, apparently skinny-dipping.

In the remake, the structure along the south-west shore of the Bulb known locally as "Mad Mark's Castle" will be used for a similar opening scene.    

"The Albany Bulb has everything we need for a re-creation of the Shady Rest Hotel," said producer Paul Henning in a press conference held at the Castle this morning. "We have consistent soft lighting during the fog season, very good access control because of the single entry point, and the ready availability of non-union extras who can authentically represent the regressive culture of rural Middle America in the 1960s."

Not everyone present was happy about the impending celebrity status of the Bulb, however.

"This use of parkland is in clear violation of the Mcglaughlin Eastshore State Park General Plan," warned a representative of the Sierra Club's East Bay Public Lands Committee.

His objections all but vanished, however, when the producer of the new film offered him the role of Uncle Joe in the movie.

Other casting decisions were announced later in the press conference: A bulb resident who goes by "Momma Bear" will play hotel proprietor Kate; Alvin Ramis, a former Mayor of Albany, will be cast as the dashing crop duster and principle love interest of the film.

Jade Blackson, another Bulb resident, will play opposite him as one of the daughters. Joan Patricia, a staffer from Citizens for Extremely Silly Park Policies, and Georgia O'Caryl, of the Albany Charter Review Committee, will play the other two daughters.  

"Higgins the Dog, however, will be problematic," conceded Henning. "This part has to be played off-leash, and we understand that park rules are very strict about all dogs remaining on-leash at all times. We will rely heavily on CGI to make the leash invisible in the movie, but some of the action scenes might be compromised."

Auditions for the Higgins part will be held this Saturday, April 6, on Albany Beach at 7 a.m.

"The tide will be coming in so we won't have to worry about leaving trash or other waste material on the beach," noted Henning.  "We are looking for a terrier-poodle-spaniel-schnauzer mix, just like the original Higgins."

Henning went on to divulge plans for future productions at the site, hinting that a major new reality show titled "BULB" would be up next.  

Unfortunately the press conference ended on a sour note when it was announced that Fresco Pappagallo, Chair of the Albany Waterfront Committee, would play the engineer of the Cannonball. The Sierra Club rep became visibly agitated.

"I wanted to be the engineer!" he pouted as he stormed out of the meeting. 

See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rA6kbSEmNU4 for more information.