Mother, mother ocean, after all the years I've found
My occupational hazard being my occupation's just not around
– A Pirate Looks at Forty, Jimmy Buffett*
I have, for some time now, been considering a change in vocation. Upon reflection, I realized that, of the 36 years I have spent on this planet, I have spent fewer than 36 months living landlocked. Thus my options became clear. I should pursue a career as either a Pirate or a Mermaid.
Find out what's happening in Albanywith free, real-time updates from Patch.
Unable to decide which is the better choice, I have made the following chart comparing the two:
Pirate Mermaid Get to sail around on a really cool boat Get to breathe under water Flattering picture hats Flattering diminished gravity Pillaging is a lot like shopping Save lots of money buying only the top half of bathing suits. Also, free (non-faux) pearls. The social acceptability of drinking rum at all three meals** All-you-can-eat sashimi, very fresh Pet pirate and/or monkey Swimming with dolphins Possibility of hooking up with the Dread Pirate Roberts Possibility of hooking up with Poseidon Kinkiest accessory: Thigh-high leather boots Kinkiest accessory: Shell-shaped pasties Proposed moniker: The Ginger Raider Proposed moniker: Miss Shell Treasure Island Bodily Harm*** Romanticized vision of men who raped and plundered Romanticized vision of manatees Possibility of an early, violent death Possibility of having to swim upstream to spawn (We're still looking into that...) Currently enjoying positive popular sentiment because of a wildly successful Disney franchise. Currently enjoying positive popular sentiment because of a wildly successful Disney franchise. Opportunities for posing on a windswept deck, sails billowing dramatically behind me. Opportunities for posing on a jutting sea mount, with breaking waves crashing dramatically behind me Current greatest obstacle: sea legs Current greatest obstacle: legsThoughts? Opinions? The name of a good shrink?
Find out what's happening in Albanywith free, real-time updates from Patch.
____________________________________________________________
*Insert shout-outs to McGill-Toolen High School & Mobile, AL here. (Have I mentioned that I wrote a book set in Mobile? Oh, so shameless...)
**Not unlike a certain Thanksgiving I spent in Cancun, as the kids can attest. Role model!
***Not actually about mermaids at all, but my copy has mermaid lamp on the cover and it is a really excellent book.
