Parody: Task Force Approves Master Plan For Albany Bulb

The new master plan for the was approved by a near-unanimous vote at a special joint meeting of the Albany Waterfront Master Plan Task Force last night. Drawn from the City Council, the Waterfront Committee, and including several land use policy advocates from other commissions and advisory committees, the task force has been working in secret until the plan could be finalized and approved.

"We have been developing this radical plan well beneath the radar for many months," said Waterfront Committee Chair Fresco Papagallo as he described some of the more central features of the new land use plan. "It preserves the wild and unregulated character of the site, but translates that gestalt into developer terms." 

The Bulb Master Plan transforms the lagoon on the west side of the Bulb into a 300-berth marina, utilizing nearly all of the existing jetty structure. There is a large parking area for the Albany Marina and the fledging Albany Yacht Club. Anchoring the development is a complex of high-rise apartments and condos totaling 487 residential units, plus a 375 room 4-star hotel immediately to the north. 

"Rooms with a view of the Golden Gate Bridge will start at $350 a night," explained Katrina Moe, a resident of the Bulb, now the newly appointed manager of hotel guest services.   

One former mayor of Albany was thrilled with the prospect of an Albany Marina. "Even as mayor," he noted, "I had to suffer the indignity of berthing my small sailboat in the Berkeley Marina. Now, at last, I can home port my yacht in Albany." 

A member of the design team who only identified himself as "Mad Mark" will be responsible for the design details in the hotel lobby and the paint scheme for the high-rise towers. "My castle will be moved to the penthouse suite, 15 stories up. Fifteen is a very important number in architecture and land use policy."

Georgia O'Caryl, the only dissenting vote on the Master Plan Task Force, objects to the plan because it retains off-leash dog running on the lawn area in the hotel courtyard.

Some of the audience, viewing the site plan for the first time, remained skeptical. But Robby Yeastie of Citizens for East Shore Parks laid most of the pubic concerns to rest when he divulged that CESP's secret lawsuit against the developer had been settled for an undisclosed sum that would fund Albany public schools for the next 35 years. 

A Sierra Club official insisted, however, that the funds should be used instead for restoring Tilden Park's Wildcat Canyon to wetland habitat, explaining that "the canyon floor originally supported a rich and diverse tidal zone ecosystem, before the East Bay hills were formed.

The last public comment was from Oshid Oldman, of the SNIFF art collective, with a strong endorsement of the Bulb Master Plan. "At last, I can play golf on weekends," he said.

[*Editor's Note: This completes our April Fools' Day broadcast.]